Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat