@_troyjohnson: Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.
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@davedittell: yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I'm Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof
@TheToddWilliams: [School band tryouts] ME: They say I have perfect pitch TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got *I throw a baseball right into the tuba*
@FilthyRichmond: Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.