Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Realize this:
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma