“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
🤣✨#caturday
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My dog learned how to text
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant