“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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multitasking lunch
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.