A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!