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@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"
@Storminika: Me: "Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean." Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* "Sorry, come again?" Me: "No, mustard."
@ComedicBust: As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I'm out of there within 4 hours.
@PabloGSerski: Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.