Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️