Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?