@FullMetalMommy: Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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@KalvinMacleod: I’m so hungry I could eat a hor— *horse walks by snorting aggressively* ticulturalist *horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
@darth__mouth: hey teens ! if you think you're angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.
@Jennifergr8: Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? He replied....chicken. Thank god he is good looking.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Tony is coming round" Me: "Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?" Tony: "I'm here for the money." *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*