Always a housemaid, never a house.
You Might Also Like
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.