@FullMetalMommy: Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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@Sleinso: Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon. Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.
@TheHyyyype: ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
@shutupmikeginn: There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango