@FullMetalMommy: Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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@Fred_Delicious: "HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??" Me [from basement, out of breath] "what"
@Stellacopter: When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."
@CanadianPitbull: Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I