AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.