China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.