China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles