CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
You Might Also Like
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise