[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You Might Also Like
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
this is the best interaction on twitter
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If a snake ate a cake
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.