Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
You Might Also Like
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough