Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
You Might Also Like
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.