Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
You Might Also Like
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
…..pretty much.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie