Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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What’s so funny?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.