Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.