chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
You Might Also Like
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.