Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
You Might Also Like
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I have obtained a hat