CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying