CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*pronounces fake like saké*
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet