CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
You Might Also Like
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?