Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)