chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I got soap in my shower beer again.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”