[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him