Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
This is a true ally.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”