Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”