@JasonLastname: Chivalry isn't dead. He's just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
@elizaskinner: Coyotes don’t run away - they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
@RidiculousSheri: I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
@AndyRichter: If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he's figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?