Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Dammit Chief not again
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him