the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
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Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.