@JasonLastname: "Chivalry isn't dead," I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
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@markhoppus: During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends' step counts.
@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
@DaddyJew: Daddy, how'd you get that scar? *flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery* War
@Cheeseboy22: I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.