Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.