Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
School be like
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
So can we start calling them Traylor now?