Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Bread puns are on the rise!
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman