I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.