Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You Might Also Like
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
A completely valid reaction tbh
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”