Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
🤣😂
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.