Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Good boy 😂😂
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end