Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
what?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.