Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
You Might Also Like
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.