Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of