@behindyourback: Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
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@10InchesPlus: "Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
@amydillon: When you have kids, "sleeping in" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
@StinkyGr33n: What's the past tense of "wake & bake"? "Woke and boke"? "Awake and baked"? "Awakened and baconed"? Whatever it is, I'm that
@dumbbeezie: Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don't forget what it looks like outside