@behindyourback: Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
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@Instinctivetip: [marriage counselling] Her: he always thinks he's talking to me on CB radio Me: I don't, over Her: It's over Me: It's what? Over
@JackieluvsUK: Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!
@Smethanie: Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
@KevinFarzad: "Is it long enough to reach most people's beds?" "Yes." "Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter." -Apple, creating the iPhone charger.