Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My time has come.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton