nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You Might Also Like
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”