“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?