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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
dam girl
Ovenable?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
HERE’S MARKY
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.