Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move