ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
You Might Also Like
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
(Musicians.)
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
seems fine
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.