[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Xylophonist Shredding It
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.