chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Has there ever been a more American story?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.