i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I unironically love this joke.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*pronounces patio like ratio
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.