My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific