Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
is this a warning or an offer?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.