Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered